Discovery Institute Announces New Slogan

Seattle-based Discovery Institute, a conservative Christian "think-tank," announced a new slogan today at a news conference.

"We are very proud of our new slogan," announced Discover Institute spokesman J. D. Harbinger. "It was developed through painstaking trial and error, during a process fraught with extreme difficulty. We worked closely with Discovery Institute Associate Dennis Jones, and it's to him we owe our endless appreciation for helping us to sum up so blithely and incisively the totality of Discovery Institute's mission."

"Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen… our new slogan: SCIENCE DOES NOT TAKE PEOPLES WORD FOR ANYTHING!!!!!"

The Discovery Institute is a leading proponent and originator of the controversial political movement "Intelligent Design," which proposes that evolution was and is guided by extraterrestrials.

The new slogan will appear on coloring books and other propaganda materials.

ID Triumphant In Lower Court Decision

There was cause for jubilation today for supporters of the intelligent design (ID) political movement as a spokesman for Seattle-based Discovery Institute announced a recent court victory.

"We have won a major lower court victory, here in Seattle," announced Discovery Institute spokesman J. D. Harbinger, "through the tireless dedication of our loyal supporters, and through the work of Discovery's top-notch legal team."

According to documents released by the Seattle Municipal Court, the case against conservative Christian financier and member of the Discovery Institutes's Board of Directors, Howard Ahmanson, Jr., has been dismissed.

Municipal Court Presiding Judge, the Honorable Delbert McKindale, made this finding: "I have no doubt that Mr Ahmanson was driving his Mercedes CL65 over the speed limit. We have evidence that he was driving at least 85 in a 50 mile per hour zone. However, the ticketing officer is unable to appear today due to a scheduling conflict -he's on duty- so I have no choice but to dismiss the ticket."

Flanked by a joyous crowd of three ID supporters, Discovery spokesman Harbinger made this statement from the top of the courthouse steps: "Once again we have driven a wedge into the system, proving that given time and a bunch of money from Mr. Ahmanson's vast fortune, we can make a difference in America and continue the fight to return this country to its theocratic roots!"

Scientology Joins ID Fray

The Los Angeles-based Church of Scientology today announced ownership of the undesignated designer proposed by the Intelligent Design (ID) political movement.

"Thetans are the designers," claims Church of Scientology spokesman T. Rob Gaylord. "In the primordial past, thetans brought the material universe into being largely for their own pleasure. The universe has no independent reality, but derives its apparent reality from the fact that most thetans agree it exists. This existence includes the conscious act of design."

"Xenu, the tyrant ruler of the Galactic Confederacy," continued Gaylord, "has on several occasions contested ownership of the magical Wand of Design —most notably after the volcanic inception of the human race— but currently the Wand is held in common by thetans."

"Totally preposterous," counters spokesman Conrad Barstow of Seattle-based Discovery Institute, leading proponent of the denascent ID political movement. "There is no 'designer.' Pro forma arguments challenge dialectical precepts of hypothetical and concursive obligations to an hierarchal structural formalization, heh heh, but concurrent designations preclude hyper-intensive proclamations adhering to precursor or causative factors for achieving extensive and directed endothermism, and that proves it!"

"There's a little saying we have around here," Barstow continues, "Design requires a designer no more than an udder requires an udderer… or… no more than a tree requires a treerer. Is that it? Wait… no more than a vowel requires a voweler… a sign requires a signer? Maybe I need a verb here… besides, this is our movement, and even though there isn't a designer, when there eventually is we own it!"

"The Discovery Institute should have seen this coming," comments Christopher Stimpson, Associate Director at American Institute of Christian Extremism and author of 'Don't Fear The Christians: An Insiders Guide To Christian Extremism.' "Lately both Muslims and Hindus have laid claim to the 'designer.' Denying a designer is part of Discovery's political strategy, to get creationism accepted bit by bit, leading eventually to eradication of the doctrine of separation of church and state."

"It begs the question, how does the imaginary science of ID serve Christians? According to our polls the vast majority of Christians don't have a problem reconciling their faith with science, strongly believe in separation of church and state, and consider both the ID movement and conservative Christians to be heretical." Stimpson continues, "Didn't Jesus say 'But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.'?"

Intel Announces Development of Dembski-based Processor

Today chip-making giant Intel (INTC) announced plans to develop and manufacture a central processing unit (CPU) based on the work of accomplished mathematician and scientist William Dembski.

"The specifications of the new processor are very complex," said Intel spokesman Hugh Parsimony during the announcement. "We couldn't base the CPU on any of our existing architectures, because it just didn't fit. We had to throw out any ideas of using a multiple embedded-core design because the Dembski core, codenamed "Belief," was too unwieldy and didn't work well in that context. Or any other."

"The new processor runs extremely hot," said consulting engineer Dave Bergen, founder of Silicon Valley's well-known EmpiriTech engineering firm, about the new Dembski-based architecture. "The CPU is constantly busy calculating the bit-states of the universe across time, and that's a lot for any processor —multiple core or otherwise— to take on. The Dembski Belief Core churns away forever and then, like magic, spits out a calculation result. Usually randomly."

Intel says it plans to require manufacturers using the new chip to pair it with one of their well-regarded and industry-standard math coprocessors. "It's a beautiful chip," said Intel's Parsimony, "It's big and bold, and looks really good on a circuit board, but unfortunately the math of the Belief Core is terribly wonky."

"We've run tests using the new processor," said Sydney Cronin, head of Pasadena's CalTech Advanced Computing department. "When we use it to run applications that model evolution the chip inserts stuff like extrasensory perception and organs that produce force fields in the organisms we're growing. Weird."

There were no immediate plans by any major, or minor, computer or electronics manufacturers to use the chip, though interest has been expressed by gaming companies, specifically those involved in supplying video poker machines to the burgeoning gambling industry. "Our customers like to feel warm and fuzzy when they're giving us their money," said Matthew Marks, spokesman for the American Gaming Association. "This new chip will help them to believe there's a powerful force behind them when they win, if they win. Plus, that damn chip puts out a lot of heat."

Seattle-based Discovery Institute announced plans to use the new Dembski-based Belief Core in a line of laptops they will produce and distribute free to classrooms across the US, particularly the Bible Belt. The laptops will run Discovery's new operating system, Belief OS.